Est. approximately last Tuesday
Best Verizon
Salesman
Undefeated in fantasy football. Winless in Star Wars. Somewhere in between at selling phones.
Actual Google Reviews
Sourced from the store's Google page. Names shortened out of respect.
"Walked in confused about my plan, walked out with a new phone, a smart watch, and somehow a better mood. Best experience I've ever had at a Verizon store."
— Jessica M.
"Actually took the time to explain everything without pushing extras I didn't need. Rare in this business. Highly recommend."
— Mark D.
"Switched over from another carrier and he made the whole process painless. Transferred all my stuff and even set up my new phone before I left."
— Sandra P.
"Super knowledgeable and patient. Answered every dumb question I had and got me a better deal than I expected. 10/10."
— Tyler R.
Services Offered
- ✓Selling phones (allegedly the main job)
- ✓Fantasy football advice — unsolicited, usually correct
- ✓Emotional support after another Star Wars tournament loss
- ✓Mayo pairing recommendations for any device
- ✓Getting absolutely dusted in Fun Run 4 between customers
- ✓Jumping three feet in the air when a coworker says 'hey'
The Leaderboard
Statistics maintained by the coworkers. Independently unverified.
Fantasy Football
#1
undisputed, do not ask
Fun Run 4 Rank
LAST
47 weeks and counting
Star Wars Tournaments
0–∞
the streak lives
Mayo Consumed YTD
🫙×∞
doctor: 'concerning'
Jump Scares Survived
143
this quarter alone
Phones Sold
a lot
the actual job, remember
Official Merch*
*Extremely unofficial. Nothing is real. Please do not send money.
Got Mayo? Tee
Sold Out$29.99
100% cotton. 100% mayonnaise-stained within a week. Machine wash cold, emotionally.
I Survived Jump-Scaring Him Hoodie
Coworkers Only$54.99
Worn exclusively by coworkers. Comes with a certificate of achievement and mild guilt.
Fun Run 4 Participation Trophy
Coming Never$12.99
Last place edition. Comes pre-tarnished. Base engraved: 'You tried. Kind of.'
Self-Awarded Fantasy Football Champ Mug
Backordered$19.99
League may or may not exist. Trophy definitely doesn't. Holds 12oz of pure delusion.